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Setting healthy boundaries in your life
Setting better boundaries is a goal many people have. A social worker takes a look at some simple tips to help.
ATLANTA - If you are tired of racing through your days, with too much to do and too little time, because you struggle to say no, it may be time to slow down, and set some boundaries.
Licensed clinical social worker Jodi Baumstein says many of us struggle when it comes to putting our needs first and maintaining healthy boundaries.
"Many people were taught to be a people-pleaser, and so this is something that they probably struggled with throughout their life," Baumstein says. "If we are taught that success looks like pleasing everybody around you, then that's what you'll do. Because you believe that you will not be approved, you will not be loved, you will not be accepted if you don't do that."
Baumstein, who works for Children's Healthcare of Atlanta's Strong4Life program, says by constantly putting others' needs and wants before our own, we start to suppress our own feelings and needs.
"What happens is, we start to really disconnect from who we are, and people start to feel really discouraged, defeated, deflated," she says.
But, Baumstein says, we can learn to set and stick with healthier boundaries.
How to set better boundaries in your life
First, she says, think about what you want, and how you want to spend your time.
"That outside chatter is going to be loud," she warns. "You're going to be hearing all these voices from everyone around you. But try to quiet it, and think, 'I hear you; I hear you.' And listen. Because it's all right there. If you listen for it, you'll know what you want and what you need."
Next, practice saying no without going into a long explanation.
If you have always been a "yes" person, expect some resistance, she says.
"Some people are going to prefer the old version of you that was so easy and overly accommodating,' Baumstein says. "It probably benefited them in some way, but it's hurting you."
Learning anything new, she says, takes practice.
So, Baumstein says, keep setting and sticking with your boundaries, even if you feel awkward.
"You might even start to set a boundary and then kind of back off," she says. "Don't beat yourself up! Really, this is an exercise in patience and self-compassion, and realizing that if we've done something for years, we're not going to snap our fingers and do it beautifully the first time. It's going to take practice.
But, Baumstein says, stay with it, because having healthier boundaries can strengthen your relationships.
"Boundaries actually bring us closer," she says. "We often are scared to create boundaries because we're worried, we are going to upset someone and create distance. But a healthy boundary actually brings people closer because it creates a sense of safety and trust."